Things You Don't Need to Apologize For
Have you ever found yourself feeling like you need to say sorry for everything? Like there’s this overbearing weight of anxiety over saying no, honoring our boundaries or feeling like we need to go against our needs for others’ comfortability? This is a very common experience that starts with that small sting in our stomach over the thought of saying no or expressing how we feel and then when we finally get the courage to do what’s best for us we start telling others things like “I’m sorry, I can’t because of…” and then you describe in great detail (some would call this overexplaining) why you’re saying no - and this oftentimes leads to us feeling guilty, anxious and exhausted. Sometimes, this feeling of needing to over-explain yourself when setting a boundary, saying no, or expressing your feelings and needs is rooted in a fear or anxiety around letting others down because you’ve had to show up as super dependable. In many cases the need to apologize and explain our reasoning for things is okay and necessary - but there are other times in which it is okay to honor ourselves without apology.
Setting Boundaries
It's okay to set boundaries without apologizing. Saying no or expressing your needs doesn't make you selfish or unkind. In fact, setting boundaries is essential for maintaining your mental and emotional well-being. Whether it's with friends, partners, family, or coworkers, prioritizing your needs is a healthy and necessary part of self-care. When we set clear and healthy boundaries in our relationships, we are communicating what is okay and not okay and eliminating any confusion. When we don’t honor our needs and set boundaries, we are at risk for building up internal tension and frustration when people overstep a boundary they didn’t know existed.
Your Feelings
Your feelings are valid and a natural part of being human, so there's no need to apologize for feeling them. Expressing your feelings in a healthy way is necessary for processing experiences and maintaining mental well-being; apologizing for them only adds unnecessary guilt. Your feelings are your own, and you have the right to feel them without the need to justify or apologize for them. Apologizing for your feelings implies that they are somehow wrong or invalid, but in reality, they are an essential part of your internal guidance system and deserve acknowledgment and acceptance. Think of it like this, your feelings are often letting you know when something needs to be addressed or sat with. For example, when a friend excludes you from getting together with other friends, your initial feelings may be sadness or anger. Those feelings are letting you know that you are hurt by your friend’s actions and need a moment to process. Just keep in mind however, that while your feelings are always valid, your actions are not always valid and it is important to be mindful of how you react to your feelings while experiencing them.
Saying No
Saying no is a healthy boundary that protects your time, energy, and well-being, so there's no need to apologize for prioritizing yourself. Your needs and limitations are valid, and saying no when you need to is an act of self-care and self-respect. Apologizing for saying no implies that your boundaries are somehow wrong or inconvenient, but in reality, they are crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and personal balance. Remember, it's okay to say no without guilt or explanation when needed, and setting boundaries is an essential part of advocating for your own mental and emotional health. Now, for my fellow people-pleasers out there who just read this and immediately pictured the entire world blowing up all because you said no without an explanation - I’ve got you. If in a situation where you know that you want or need to say no to something, but would also feel more comfortable with giving some explanation, here is a simple formula that can help you say no in a way that works best for you:
Say no (or a version of no like “I won’t be able to” etc) + a general reason that’s not too detailed but gives enough clarity on why you’re saying no (ie. “I’m not comfortable with this” or “I don’t have the bandwidth for this” etc) AND/OR a compromise to the situation (ie. scheduling for another time or offering to do something that you know you’re more comfortable with) = Successfully saying no :)
Now, this simplified formula does not cover each unique example of when or why you would be saying no, but it’s tweakable to your individual experience!
Prioritizing Self-Care
Self-care is arguably one of the most important things we all can incorporate into our daily lives. The great thing about self-care is that it doesn’t have to be a big, grand gesture, nor does it need to break the bank. Smaller activities like doing your skincare routine, eating a nourishing meal, or standing/sitting outside in the sun for 10 minutes all can boost our well-being and don’t take away too much from our hectic schedules. When we neglect our self-care, we neglect ourselves. That is why self-care is not something you need to apologize for because self-care is what helps fuel our tank and prevents burnout.
Changing Your Mind
This may be a controversial one, but it’s okay to change your mind. Sometimes we make decisions impulsively, or without thinking through all of our options. Sometimes we make a choice, and then later realize we don’t actually want to go through with it or want something different. I’ll give you a couple of examples of what changing our minds can look like:
When we agree to cook a certain dish for Thanksgiving but then feel too stressed about it and no longer want to do it.
When we schedule to hang out with friends or family while we’re feeling like fun social butterflies, and then on the agreed upon day the only thing on our mind is binge watching our favorite Netflix series from the comfort of our beds.
When we initially consent to having sex with someone and then at some point during, we no longer want to have sex.
Changing our minds, especially from something we really thought we wanted, can feel kind of uncomfortable. Yes, there may be some conversations that may need to be had depending on the situation that give clarity on why you’ve changed your mind, but in general you do not need to apologize for changing your mind. Sometimes things change, life takes us on new paths and when we feel like the original decision is no longer working it’s okay to pivot and make the necessary adjustments.
Things to Keep In Mind
When we think about the different reasons for which we do not need to apologize, I think it’s also important to set a disclaimer. Yes, there are scenarios as stated throughout this post in which it is okay to honor ourselves unapologetically. HOWEVER our approaches to setting boundaries, saying no, etc are just as crucial. Doing the things mentioned above in a way that is harmful, disrespectful and downright mean may not get you your desired outcome to honoring yourself. We don’t need to set bridges ablaze for every boundary we set, sometimes we just need to set flowers on some of those bridges.
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